My plan to go back eventually diminished after I almost bought a bus ticket home. I called dad saying I might return. He turned out to be quite surprised. Wasn't he the one suggested so? He bla bla bla....saying how mum will disapprove me to go back if she could speak, I can't help much there and stuffs. Hell...Tears rolled down again. "But then I will come and pick you up if you really decided to come back. Everything is up to you. I don't want you to have regrets."

I will probably bring more problems to dad if I go back. He need to work. If I am there...there will be more troubles.

I made up my mind. I will stay.

Then later when I went back to room, dad called again. He said Aunty Yvonne wished to have a talk with me.

She spoke in a very gentle way just like how an adult speak to a three year-old kid.
" Pei Ling, can you hear me?" she asked.
" Yeah." I replied.
" Okay, you know your mum is sick and now lying in hospital right?" she started.
" Hmm..." I answered.
" So what is your decision now?"
My decision? " Dad told me not to go back" I replied.
" Okay, you see...your dad said that because......(forgot exactly what she said)... There are dad, doctor and nurses here. They will take good care of your mummy. And I know your mummy quite well. When I chatted with her, we did talk about this issue, what if she suddenly sick or ill. She said that she will not blame you if you are not by her side."

Again, she made me cried. " Hmm..." I answered. I really don't know what else to say other than that. They ever chat on this issue? Or was it created by herself to make me feel more comfortable? Hey, I am not a kid. But she did make me believed her.

" Your mummy wants you to study hard instead. Don't worry, its just a small case (small case!?). Everything will be fine soon. If anything worsen we will contact you." she said in a soothing voice.
" Hmm...Thanks and bye." I replied.

So there were people there around mum other than dad. What about my aunties? Are they aware of that? Grandmother and uncles? So I am the last to know?

Stroke....Mum got stroke. Grandfather also got stroke and he died of that too. I know about stroke quite well. Commonly, that patient will have an acute facial paresis, arm drift or abnormal speech. Even though he/ she is said to be recovered, but there will still be side effects.

No...no...no...I have to stop thinking about all this...I really hate all this. ....

I am dreaming...It is obviously a dream, far too ridiculous to be a truth statement. Mum called me again. Before that, I wanted to call her to spread the news that I can CYCLE now. But it wasn't mum who called. It was dad.
"Hello?" I said in a happy voice.
"Erm..." a man voice said (dad). I waited. "Actually your mum is hospitalised. Its already two days. She is now in ICU"
I did expect those words from him but why I know that only after two days? I didn't blame him anyway. "Why?" I asked.
"She suffered from a stroke." he explained in an unbelievable voice. "She is...how would she suffer from that? Your mum is always healthy with no blood pressure problem."
I want to know that more than you...
" What did the doctor says?" I need scientific informations, accurate ones.
" I don't know. He said need to be observed few more days to jump to a conclusion." he replied.
He continued, " I decided to tell you this so that you won't blame me in the future. They said it is better to inform you." They? Who?
I paused for a very long time. Tears were rolling down.
"Hello?" dad's voice. I paused more. " Take it easy, don't worry. See, dad is here. I can handle everything." Really?
" Hmm..." I replied in my calmest voice.
" So you plan to come back?" he asked.
I never thought about this before. Going back JB to visit mum.......?
" I don't know. I think about it first."
" Okay...just call me if you wanna come back. Don't be too worry." and he ended his conversation.

Now, left me alone in my locker accompanied by tears. I sat in my locker. More tears rolling down and I wondered when it will stop. What to do next?

~Love Me for Me~

I’m not the girl that you see in the magazine

Perfect face and perfect body

Never be anyone but the one I am, one I am

I can’t bend to your expectations

Live to fulfill any fantasy

If what I am is what you need

Love me for me

And not for someone that I would never be

Cause what you get is what you see

And I can’t be any more than what I am

Love me for me or don’t love me

Don’t think you’re gonna change what’s inside of me

Make me who you want me to be

Won’t be someone I’m not for somebody else, someone else

Love me with all my imperfections

Not for an image of your design

Love me for what you see inside

Love me for me

And not for someone that I would never be

Cause what you get is what you see

And I can’t be any more than what I am

Love me for me

And not for someone you wish that I could be

Cause what you get is what you see

And I can’t be any more than what I am

Love me for me or don’t love me

I’d never do anything to change you

Make you be anything than who you are

All that I am is all that I can be

I love you for you

So love me for me,

love me for me

Love Me For Me...

*(This is one of my past fovourite song and I still love it very very much)

I woke up from my long afternoon nap and climbed up lazily. It was almost six pm. I reached my phone in my locker and found a few miss calls and messages from friends and unknown. Buzz.... My phone rang again. It showed Mum's number. This wasn't the time she would call.
"Hello". Then I heard Dad's voice. "I don't know what is happening to mummy."
"Huh?" I replied. "I don't know..." He sounded a bit frantic which made me feel weak.
Wait... My brain starts to recollect every words he said and branched a few possibilities.

1. Did mum get an accident?

2. Is she in the hospital?

3. She went crazy?

4. You made mum upset?

Non of the possibilities relieve me. I waited again for Dad to continue. "I don't know. She...her legs went straight and.....". I "Huh" again but he still couldn't find the right words to put in phrase. "She is getting better now...nothing much actually. Don't worry." Then he hung up.

WHAT? DON'T WORRY? What the hell is this? Then why are you calling me if it wasn't something serious? I felt weaker than ever. A lone tear rolled down and followed by others as if to accompany the lone. WHAT IS HAPPENING? I NEED MORE DETAILS. I stood there for a moment. Then I decided to refresh myself before calling back again. After a quick bath, I called Dad. "She is getting better. She vomited everything and is okay now." I listened quietly on the other side while he continued. He explained how he found her in static when he came back from work and bla bla bla...took her to clinic, where the doctor said she is OKAY. It still doesn't make sense to me and he ended the conversation with "Don't worry."

That's all? I AM TERRIBLY WORRIED. I sat by the cupboard for a long time, crying.

Hahaha...So so so funny...Half an hour ago...Our Chemistry lecturer, Pn Farra, threw tantrum. We made her angry actually. Almost the whole class did not finish homework. She said she is going to be very angry. And she did. She took her bag and walked out. Really speechless about her. This is just the first time we did not complete our work and she is already so so so........childish. Lolx...teacher ah...why don't you let me present the tutorial first before you walk out? So sleepy....

CINTA TAK BERSYARAT

Tak ada sedikit pun sesalku

Telah bertahan dengan setiaku

Walau di akhir jalan

Ku harus melepaskan dirimu

Ternyata tak mampu kau melupa

Dalamnya cintaku yang hebat

Hingga ada alasan

Bagimu untuk tinggalkan setiamu....Oh~

Demi nama cinta

Telahku persembahkan

Hatiku hanya untukmu

Telahku jaga kejujuran

Dalam setiap nafasku

Kerana demi cinta

Telahku relakan

Kecewaku atas ingkarmu

Sebab ku mengerti cinta itu

Tak mesti...memiliki

Andai saja bisa kau fahami

Layaknya erti kasih sejati

Kerana cinta yang sungguh

Tiada akan pernah mungkin

Bersyarat...Oh~

Ternyata tak mampu kau

dalamnya cintaku yang hebat...

Another one

Argh...Another roommate is leaving. Bored! Now only left two...

Bye Zetty...

Another blow...

My roommate beside my bed is going to leave soon. She is going to study for diploma, engineering course. It means she will leave me to sleep alone every nights. I don't know whether to be happy or sad but I actually do feel down after hearing the news. It has been quite fun to have her as my roommate and yeah...I called her Zetty, from Kelantan. There is always this kind of things happen when you are just going to get along with someone or get used to something.

Hmm...about her...she is a...quite a nice person to live with. There is this funny thing about her where she will talk in her dream. Haha...but I couldn't figure out what she said though. Then, we always crack unfinished jokes and talk lame everyday. She is the kind easy-going and never make fuss over anything that upset her. And har...she is quite open. She will talk about the guy she likes in her class and sometimes we find her unbelievable.

So sad...she is leaving. Anyway, I hope she made a right choice for her future and bye...

Silent Scream

Someone told me

Be good there and work hard for your goal

Someone reminded

You're not alone and there is always people who cares for you

Someone said

You're strong just like an amphibian

Someone laugh

You're just being too emotional

Someone whispered

Don't cry silently cause it hurt the most...

Feeling grey

I hate my class. I hate tutorial. I hate...I hate them all... I don't know what I am hating it but I just hate! I have no good friend in class and I am always alone. Doing things alone and I am always very depress in that particular class. I just feel that I don't belong to there. I somehow belong to the old physics class I am from. Even my name is not in the attendance list. What the....

First of all, I don't mix with the only chinese girl in my class. One reason is simply because I don't really like her. The way she talk and laugh...Oh my god... I can't stand it any longer. WhenI talk something seriously to her she will just 'har' then giggle with no answer. That is not all. I can't understand a thing what she is talking about. Like I am talking to wall. Well...we are humans from different world. The others do have their own group. I would become the odd numbers when they formed groups. There was this English singing activity where I have to join three other guys. Its going to be on next week! Guess what...we are singing 'My Love' by Westlife. Zzz...Okay...whatever it is...will tell more about it if anything "funny" happens...which I hope no.

And don't know why, I sobbed a lot. Yesterday I sobbed twice. First was after listening to 'Broken Vow' by Josh. The other was while reading a novel. My tear gland seems easily to be activated. I am going crazy soon!

Hurray!

I got into Kakom finally....

No worries for my Koko marks anymore!!!!

what the hxxx....

Sometimes I really find myself being very silly. There is this morning where I walked to a wrong class. That morning I was very sure that the first period is at kuliah (which means a hall-liked place where over hundred students listen to lecture). Then I walked in just like any other days searching for my friends but I didn't see any. So I just assumed that they came late. I took a seat two rows from the front and funnily there isn't anyone sitting on those two rows. I sensed people staring at me and after a while a Malay girl asked me
"Kamu first intake atau second intake?"
"First intake."
"So kamu baru tukar jurusan?"
"Tak lah...bukan."
"Oh...sebab...dua rows ini untuk lelaki..."
"Sini dah ade orang duduk?" still in a blurr state.
Then after a few seconds my mind clicks...My god...I quickly took my bag and went out. Shit...I should be in tutorial class but not kuliah...

Hell...I wonder how my luck goes...My badminton racket was spoilt by don't-know-who as I lent to many people. And so I can only play tennis for the meanwhile. One morning I went to play tennis alone. There were no people playing there and I was quite phew because it was my first time playing after million years (erm...I am not a god or monster). But there were these football players there for training. When I played, I exerted over force and the ball flew over the wall. I heard laughter almost immediately and when I turned around, I saw three Malay guys there laughing funnily. My godness...I really wish to find a hole and hide....