My life?

I thought I was going to have a lucky day but it ended badly. The day was fine until evening when the electric current was cut off. Usually it worked after we turn on the switch again but now it seemed that the switch was loosen. The “mak guard” tried but failed. Even after the arrival of technician, we were still in dark. Gosh…I still have piles of homework undone and yet… It was around twelve but still no electricity. Well, have to sleep with no fan for whole night. That was not the worst part. Even I covered my ears with pillow; I still hear mosquitoes buzzing around me. Ew…that was the most miserable night I ever had here. When I woke up in the morning my eyes were half closed, yawning the whole day…

I had scars on my legs, from the results of mosquitoes bite, and it all shows when i wear my executive skirt. Speaking of that I had been told off the second time for not wearing 'baju kurung'. Pn Farra...zzz. Its not that i don't want to wear, the fact is I only had three sets before holiday. Besides, only Pn Farra would care about it. So to minimize her ranting I had to wear that during every expreriment. Actually I really hate to wear that malay costume. Whenever I wear it, the possibility of falling is high and I can't walk fast with it.

The skirt I wore which is knee-length enough to cover my knees, I never thought it was too short. It was until few girls said that to me. But anyway, its actually common to those accounts girls, some wore even shorter than me. Science students...and me...JB girl... Most people probably think that I am the kind of rich girl. Ha... And those malay girls in my class especially don't seem to like me. I mean talk to me. They wear those long sleeves and all wrap up clothes while me, sometimes short sleeves and skirt. I am often the left out one, often sitting alone in class...

The long return....

It’s growing mould here. Sometimes I really hate blogging. During the period when I’m writing what had happened is always pain, so painful that it’s like returning to that moment, so emotional that I ended up crying in the computer room.

Too many things happened this recently. There are joys and sorrows but most of joys are diminished by piles of sorrows. I miss my mum. Very. But sometimes not. I tend to forget her at times. I probably could not continue with my life if I think of her too often. She is a sad story that I hate to read, hate to know. Before I came back, I did not even ask how’s her condition, which means that I do not know whether she can walk or move. I do not believe others words, not even dad. I do not want any illusion from others; I only want to see myself how her condition is.

Honestly, I’m not looking forward of going back home. Probably too scared or maybe you can say I’m a coward. I felt sour when friends around say how they wish to go home, to taste mother’s cooking and stuffs.

Till the second I saw mum, I actually felt relieved. At least she is far better than I thought. She can move, walk and eat. She lost her weight, looking so fragile. Dad too, he looked old and worn out. He did not sleep for at least one month, for the sake of mum. I’m really impressed by his sacrifices. He did everything alone, handling every single matter to his maximum.

“Thanks dad. You’re the best! Sorry that I could not be there when our family meets problem. Thanks for being so strong and hang on till the last minute.”

I felt so useless compared to dad. He did not want me to go back that time to make me feel better. He did not want me to see the worst scene, not wanting me to feel sad. When others are persuading me to go home, only dad is confident that mum will definitely get well. So he felt that it was unnecessary for me to go back.

Mum is physically well now. It’s just that her brain is not functioning well. She needs a person beside to assist her. She could remember almost everything happened in the past.

Through everything that happened, I learned to know which family members are genuine and sincere. I’m no longer a crybaby. I had grown to become stronger…

My plan to go back eventually diminished after I almost bought a bus ticket home. I called dad saying I might return. He turned out to be quite surprised. Wasn't he the one suggested so? He bla bla bla....saying how mum will disapprove me to go back if she could speak, I can't help much there and stuffs. Hell...Tears rolled down again. "But then I will come and pick you up if you really decided to come back. Everything is up to you. I don't want you to have regrets."

I will probably bring more problems to dad if I go back. He need to work. If I am there...there will be more troubles.

I made up my mind. I will stay.

Then later when I went back to room, dad called again. He said Aunty Yvonne wished to have a talk with me.

She spoke in a very gentle way just like how an adult speak to a three year-old kid.
" Pei Ling, can you hear me?" she asked.
" Yeah." I replied.
" Okay, you know your mum is sick and now lying in hospital right?" she started.
" Hmm..." I answered.
" So what is your decision now?"
My decision? " Dad told me not to go back" I replied.
" Okay, you see...your dad said that because......(forgot exactly what she said)... There are dad, doctor and nurses here. They will take good care of your mummy. And I know your mummy quite well. When I chatted with her, we did talk about this issue, what if she suddenly sick or ill. She said that she will not blame you if you are not by her side."

Again, she made me cried. " Hmm..." I answered. I really don't know what else to say other than that. They ever chat on this issue? Or was it created by herself to make me feel more comfortable? Hey, I am not a kid. But she did make me believed her.

" Your mummy wants you to study hard instead. Don't worry, its just a small case (small case!?). Everything will be fine soon. If anything worsen we will contact you." she said in a soothing voice.
" Hmm...Thanks and bye." I replied.

So there were people there around mum other than dad. What about my aunties? Are they aware of that? Grandmother and uncles? So I am the last to know?

Stroke....Mum got stroke. Grandfather also got stroke and he died of that too. I know about stroke quite well. Commonly, that patient will have an acute facial paresis, arm drift or abnormal speech. Even though he/ she is said to be recovered, but there will still be side effects.

No...no...no...I have to stop thinking about all this...I really hate all this. ....

I am dreaming...It is obviously a dream, far too ridiculous to be a truth statement. Mum called me again. Before that, I wanted to call her to spread the news that I can CYCLE now. But it wasn't mum who called. It was dad.
"Hello?" I said in a happy voice.
"Erm..." a man voice said (dad). I waited. "Actually your mum is hospitalised. Its already two days. She is now in ICU"
I did expect those words from him but why I know that only after two days? I didn't blame him anyway. "Why?" I asked.
"She suffered from a stroke." he explained in an unbelievable voice. "She is...how would she suffer from that? Your mum is always healthy with no blood pressure problem."
I want to know that more than you...
" What did the doctor says?" I need scientific informations, accurate ones.
" I don't know. He said need to be observed few more days to jump to a conclusion." he replied.
He continued, " I decided to tell you this so that you won't blame me in the future. They said it is better to inform you." They? Who?
I paused for a very long time. Tears were rolling down.
"Hello?" dad's voice. I paused more. " Take it easy, don't worry. See, dad is here. I can handle everything." Really?
" Hmm..." I replied in my calmest voice.
" So you plan to come back?" he asked.
I never thought about this before. Going back JB to visit mum.......?
" I don't know. I think about it first."
" Okay...just call me if you wanna come back. Don't be too worry." and he ended his conversation.

Now, left me alone in my locker accompanied by tears. I sat in my locker. More tears rolling down and I wondered when it will stop. What to do next?

~Love Me for Me~

I’m not the girl that you see in the magazine

Perfect face and perfect body

Never be anyone but the one I am, one I am

I can’t bend to your expectations

Live to fulfill any fantasy

If what I am is what you need

Love me for me

And not for someone that I would never be

Cause what you get is what you see

And I can’t be any more than what I am

Love me for me or don’t love me

Don’t think you’re gonna change what’s inside of me

Make me who you want me to be

Won’t be someone I’m not for somebody else, someone else

Love me with all my imperfections

Not for an image of your design

Love me for what you see inside

Love me for me

And not for someone that I would never be

Cause what you get is what you see

And I can’t be any more than what I am

Love me for me

And not for someone you wish that I could be

Cause what you get is what you see

And I can’t be any more than what I am

Love me for me or don’t love me

I’d never do anything to change you

Make you be anything than who you are

All that I am is all that I can be

I love you for you

So love me for me,

love me for me

Love Me For Me...

*(This is one of my past fovourite song and I still love it very very much)

I woke up from my long afternoon nap and climbed up lazily. It was almost six pm. I reached my phone in my locker and found a few miss calls and messages from friends and unknown. Buzz.... My phone rang again. It showed Mum's number. This wasn't the time she would call.
"Hello". Then I heard Dad's voice. "I don't know what is happening to mummy."
"Huh?" I replied. "I don't know..." He sounded a bit frantic which made me feel weak.
Wait... My brain starts to recollect every words he said and branched a few possibilities.

1. Did mum get an accident?

2. Is she in the hospital?

3. She went crazy?

4. You made mum upset?

Non of the possibilities relieve me. I waited again for Dad to continue. "I don't know. She...her legs went straight and.....". I "Huh" again but he still couldn't find the right words to put in phrase. "She is getting better now...nothing much actually. Don't worry." Then he hung up.

WHAT? DON'T WORRY? What the hell is this? Then why are you calling me if it wasn't something serious? I felt weaker than ever. A lone tear rolled down and followed by others as if to accompany the lone. WHAT IS HAPPENING? I NEED MORE DETAILS. I stood there for a moment. Then I decided to refresh myself before calling back again. After a quick bath, I called Dad. "She is getting better. She vomited everything and is okay now." I listened quietly on the other side while he continued. He explained how he found her in static when he came back from work and bla bla bla...took her to clinic, where the doctor said she is OKAY. It still doesn't make sense to me and he ended the conversation with "Don't worry."

That's all? I AM TERRIBLY WORRIED. I sat by the cupboard for a long time, crying.

Hahaha...So so so funny...Half an hour ago...Our Chemistry lecturer, Pn Farra, threw tantrum. We made her angry actually. Almost the whole class did not finish homework. She said she is going to be very angry. And she did. She took her bag and walked out. Really speechless about her. This is just the first time we did not complete our work and she is already so so so........childish. Lolx...teacher ah...why don't you let me present the tutorial first before you walk out? So sleepy....